


Acquiescence

by anastiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Experimental Style, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, POV Second Person, Queer Dean, Queer Sam Winchester, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 20:05:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13934340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastiel/pseuds/anastiel
Summary: You’re 15. Your little brother is 11. Your dad is 7 states away on a case. And there are 3 things you know for certain.





	Acquiescence

You’re 15. Your little brother is 11. Your dad is 7 states away on a case. And there are 3 things you know for certain:

  1. You know how to shoot a gun. You learned when you were six, in an abandoned field a few miles from Bobby’s house. The first time you pulled a trigger the kickback of the shotgun knocked you to the ground. Then there were tears, a bruised shoulder, and a gravel-filled knee. “Don’t cry,” Dad said, “You gotta man up, Dean,” he said. So you listened, and you obeyed as you always do, stood back up, swallowed down tears and shot again. This time you didn’t miss, and you didn’t cry.
  2. You have to be strong, be a good example for Sam. You’re not sure what this means, even at 15, but you know that it means you can’t have a weakness. Dad tells you to always be on your guard. So you are. You see shadows in your peripheral, keep a gun loaded under your pillow while Sam snores a couple feet away, child-like innocence long gone, but at least he feels safe. Safety, you knew what that felt like, once upon a time. It seems like a blur now, the feel of Mom’s hugs, her voice singing you to sleep. “You’re my angel,” she’d said. Sometimes you wonder what your life would be like if Dad had died instead of her. You hate yourself for even thinking such a thing, so you push it down, recheck the salt lines, and repeat Dad’s orders in a monotonous loop in your head.
  3. You aren’t allowed to like boys. You never wanted to like boys, but there was this kid named Ethan in your sixth grade class back in Maine. He made your heart flip in your chest just like Sally did a few seats over, but this was new, this was different and stronger somehow. Something sorta dangerous. You didn’t know what it meant, so you joined the wrestling team. It was violent, and erotic all at the same time. Closeness, not the right kind but something, better than nothing at all. You don’t think Dad knows, not the way he asks you if you have a girlfriend in every town you go to. Sometimes you think about telling him, letting him hit you, you know he would. It would hurt, but it would be a reaction, something out of the ordinary. Make him pay attention for once.



But you don’t do anything. You know what you’re supposed to be: the good example, the perfect son. That means you shoot a gun when he tells you to, keep your brother safe, and you only like girls. But you must have fucked up somehow because you’ve seen how Sam talks about his friends at school, the boys he brings home that he calls friends. How his eyes light up, how happy he gets and it reminds you of what you would have done if you’d allowed yourself to feel the way he does. It would be bad enough to have one queer son, two would be the end of the world. Dad would kill you.

Boys are not soft, and liking boys would make you weak. You can’t afford to be either.


End file.
